Every year I seem to get what I call "birthday blues" in the week leading up to my birthday I just get depressed for reasons I don't understand. Then when I think about why am I feeling like this the reasons seems to be so silly. Part of my brain is saying "its your birthday you are about to turn another year older and look at what you have done with your life nothing" then the other side is saying "no but look at all the things you have done... all the people you have met and the fun time you have had" then I start having regrets about the things I didn't do and worry about the future and realize that the things I really want in life are probably never going to happen (the biggest one was eventually being a stay at home mum) then my head fights with my body and I end up with a really big headache..
I usually am fine with in a day or two but this year for some reason its been particular difficult on me and I can't figure out why..
Saturday night (my birthday weekend) was particularly bad and I was so depressed I ended up leaving the pub I was at in tears and it was made worse for me because no one even noticed. I felt invisible and useless. No one seems to notice that I wasn't at the bar watching the band play.. AND I being broke on your birthday weekend is sucky beyond belief. I didn't even get a buzz going. I felt like no one cared it was my birthday weekend... including my boyfriend who was more concerned about hanging out with this friend and his friend's brother..
To make things even worse was I didn't want to talk to my BF about it as I felt the reasons were silly and I told him I would be fine as I just needed a couple of days.. He kept yelling at me demanding what was wrong and refused to take that as an answer. On the way to a show on Sunday night he basically wanted to say sorry to him for me being depressed and if I didn't he wouldn't come to the show. I refused to say sorry for the fact that I was feeling down (I am allowed to have my own feelings regardless) and went to the show by myself. THAT pissed me right of.. I basically called him a couple of choice four letter words and got out of the car.. screw that. He has no idea what people with depression deal with and wanting me to say sorry to him because I was down was just stupid and wrong. I was so angry and upset about the whole thing AND he kept on me on Monday morning to..
He did say sorry for this actions but honestly the damage is done.
I don't know.. I guess I should have talked to him about what was going on but the last time I bared my sole and told him I was having trouble in an area he yelled at me we got into a big fight and the threatened to leave.. so forgive me if my confidence in that is not exactly high..
I am sure I will be fine.. it was just a crappy birthday weekend. I am taking this weekend as my birthday weekend part 2.. hopefully it will go better then the last weekend..
I will get over these birthday blues.. I get them every year so I know its just a phase. Wish I knew why I get them though.. does anyone get the birthday blues
I usually am fine with in a day or two but this year for some reason its been particular difficult on me and I can't figure out why..
Saturday night (my birthday weekend) was particularly bad and I was so depressed I ended up leaving the pub I was at in tears and it was made worse for me because no one even noticed. I felt invisible and useless. No one seems to notice that I wasn't at the bar watching the band play.. AND I being broke on your birthday weekend is sucky beyond belief. I didn't even get a buzz going. I felt like no one cared it was my birthday weekend... including my boyfriend who was more concerned about hanging out with this friend and his friend's brother..
To make things even worse was I didn't want to talk to my BF about it as I felt the reasons were silly and I told him I would be fine as I just needed a couple of days.. He kept yelling at me demanding what was wrong and refused to take that as an answer. On the way to a show on Sunday night he basically wanted to say sorry to him for me being depressed and if I didn't he wouldn't come to the show. I refused to say sorry for the fact that I was feeling down (I am allowed to have my own feelings regardless) and went to the show by myself. THAT pissed me right of.. I basically called him a couple of choice four letter words and got out of the car.. screw that. He has no idea what people with depression deal with and wanting me to say sorry to him because I was down was just stupid and wrong. I was so angry and upset about the whole thing AND he kept on me on Monday morning to..
He did say sorry for this actions but honestly the damage is done.
I don't know.. I guess I should have talked to him about what was going on but the last time I bared my sole and told him I was having trouble in an area he yelled at me we got into a big fight and the threatened to leave.. so forgive me if my confidence in that is not exactly high..
I am sure I will be fine.. it was just a crappy birthday weekend. I am taking this weekend as my birthday weekend part 2.. hopefully it will go better then the last weekend..
I will get over these birthday blues.. I get them every year so I know its just a phase. Wish I knew why I get them though.. does anyone get the birthday blues
RSS Feed